i hated you once.

and then the music that you chose, a remembrance that tainted the drums and colours the chemicals that swam behind my eyes. You made me raise an eyebrow at you.

At your bent knees, diagonal shoulders, wild hair, sloped smile.

You caused a thrill to surge through our opinions, our stubborn spines that stiffened at your oddness, your lack of social and suicide. your refusal and dismissal.

Yet deep within our buried bodies, disgusted with dirt, disguised with form, a sense of light arose, bleeding like stars through the silk of the cold, the black sky, the hollow halls and note ridden echoes.

oh the echoes ... the echoes.

Deepening the remembrances, our forest filled mist, scurrying for something that was beyond our spiteful fingertip's reach, to redeem, to redeem, to redeem.

How we never let you in my friend, how we kept you there. Here. a spoonful of sugar was all it took, lay the rugs at your burdened feet, cross the waters to Ra's land.

i hated you once.

p.s

lost 2kgs. woo!

possibly starting a 365.

we pass the five months mark tomorrow :)

here's to new leaves on old trees!

hello blogspot ! we are going to get fresh! we are we are we are!!

trials are in less than a week, but i don't mind. because we are going to get fresshh.

I'm going to rearrange my room, and start exercising again. starting this afternoon :)

oh yes we are we are we are!

wowowow!

Our limbs need it, and i need to get the blood back into my bones :) we are going to take care of our selves, i vow. now. that we shall. we being me. you hear that? YOU are going to look after YOURSELF. get out of this pitypot now. stop listening to them, they are stuck. you are not. your going to egypt and to uni and the summer is coming :) Your going to study hard and make money and smile lots. Get healthy and get fit and get glowy, it'll make us smiley :)

Ready.... Set..... Go!

30062010

man, i am close to never on here anymore.

not only that, but i think it is because! i am no longer that angry angry person.

so i don't really need the sin bin...

so many memories on here, so many tears.

i won't get rid of you. but if you feel abandoned, i apologise.

come visit www.rachaelsantics.tumblr.com

its the happier place :)

I have a little brother and his name is Lachlan, la, dickhead, asshole, gayhead, bitch, cunt, dick-licker. To me... just my little brother. He is no long as little as some may say, at the rebellious age of 15 and 5/6s he is still the 3 year old terror running around with my fairy wings on. Lately, he has decided, somewhere, inside of him, to hate us. My mother and I. Perhaps he lacks in a fatherly figure, and does not understand the need we have for him to help out. Yes, he and i had a rough childhood together, filled with hatred on his side and an extremely large amount of guilt on my side, and many swear words between. This is because of the rumour i spread when i was 9 or so, that i had a gay little brother. ANd oh did it flourish, bloom like a black flower in the hearts of others, and in his. Something got tangled inside of him in those years, and he didn't manage to untangle it...

I guess now he is trying. But i can't help but notice how much of a failure he is. I love him, so much, but i do not know what to do, i know he doesn't want my help, or my mothers, but underneath it all, he needs it, desperately. He has nothing to loose anymore except the gem inside of him, which he has been so scared of his whole life to let shine. Because of something i said. Now he is close to failing his school certificate, stays home and plays COD all day, afterwards running around the house with a toy gun, pointing it at my head, and pulling the trigger....

Perhaps its his fantasy, to kill me. To kill his big sister, the ruiner of his life. Sure, we are friends now, but i can see it in his eyes, that although he may love me, he does not like me. Perhaps he will then be untangled. Free to shine.